logo | Sweet Spot Counselling | Women, Children, & Teens | Barrie, ON L4N 1L2

Samantha Barnes

On the Road to Burnout

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If constant stress has you feeling helpless, disillusioned, and completely exhausted, you may be on the road to burnout. Learn what you can do to regain your balance and feel positive and hopeful again.

What is burnout?

Burnout is a state of emotional, physical, and mental exhaustion caused by excessive and prolonged stress. It occurs when you feel overwhelmed, emotionally drained, and unable to meet constant demands. As the stress continues, you begin to lose the interest and motivation that led you to take on a certain role in the first place.

The negative effects of burnout spill over into every area of life—including your home, work, and social life. Burnout can also cause long-term changes to your body that make you vulnerable to illnesses like colds and flu. It’s important to deal with burnout right away.

Signs and Symptoms of Burnout

Most of us have days when we feel helpless, overloaded, or unappreciated—when dragging ourselves out of bed requires the determination of Hercules. If you feel like this most of the time, however, you may be burned out.

Burnout is a gradual process. It doesn’t happen overnight, but it can creep up on you. If you pay attention and actively reduce your stress, you can prevent a major breakdown. If you ignore them, you’ll eventually burn out.

Stress vs. Burnout

Characterized by over-engagement
Characterized by disengagement
Emotions are over reactive
Emotions are blunted
Produces urgency and hyperactivity
Produces feeling helpless and hopeless
Loss of energy
Loss of motivation, ideals and hope
Leads to anxiety orders
Leads to detachment and depression
Primary damage is physical
Primary damage is emotional
May kill you prematurely
May make life seem not worth living

Dealing with Burnout Tip 1: Turn to Other People

Social contact is nature’s antidote to stress and talking face to face with a good listener is one of the fastest ways to calm your nervous system and relieve stress. The person you talk to doesn’t have to be able to “fix” your stressors; they just have to be a good listener.

Reach out to those closest to you,
Be more sociable with your coworkers
Limit your contact with negative people.
Connect with a cause or a community group that is personally meaningful to you.
Find new friends.

Tip 2: Reframe the Way you Look at Work

Try to find some value in your work.
Find balance in your life.
Make friends at work.
Take time off.

Tip 3: Re-evaluate your Priorities

Set boundaries.
Take a daily break from technology.
Nourish your creative side.
Set aside relaxation time
Get plenty of sleep.

Tip 4: Make Exercise a Priority

Even though it may be the last thing you feel like doing when you’re burned out, exercise is a powerful antidote to stress and burnout. It’s also something you can do right now to boost your mood.

Rhythmic exercise, where you move both your arms and legs, is a hugely effective way to lift your mood, increase energy, sharpen focus, and relax both the mind and body. Try walking, running, weight training, swimming, martial arts, or even dancing.

Tip 5: Support Your Mood and Energy Levels with a Healthy Diet

What you put in your body can have a huge impact on your mood and energy levels throughout the day.
Minimize sugar and refined carbs
Reduce your high intake of foods that can adversely affect your mood
Eat more Omega-3 fatty acids to give your mood a boost.
Avoid nicotine
Drink alcohol in moderation

Filed Under: Depression

Some Helpful Back to School Tips

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After the challenges families have faced over the past 18 months, kids finally get to be kids again – sort of… We’ve asked for some helpful back to school tips for all the parents out there.

A New School Year

This upcoming school year means having a more regular schedule, meeting up with friends again and getting to show up in new school clothes. Great for kids and parents, right?

Parents Get a Break

While there are still many COVID concerns with all the latest variants, parents will be relieved not having to help teach the kids between Zoom meetings as has certainly happened. Thank Heavens.

Unfortunately many children may be even more apprehensive about going back into the class room. Those same children may have found being at home a safe haven both mentally and physically. Now there will be strangers and new teachers to contend with – along with COVID protocols to learn.

Going back to school is another big change. A new setting, especially for those just beginning or heading into high school is difficult for many. All of a sudden kids are expected to know what they’re doing. What a huge change from being at home to now being back in school.

Samantha Barnes of Sweet Spot Family Counselling Services offers these helpful back to school tips.

Tip #1 – Change

Accept that change is difficult for everyone and that there will be an adjustment period that may last longer than you think.

If you’re not sure if your child is having a tough time with the back to school transition, think about how they normally act when they’re stressed and look for those behaviours. For instance, watch for stomach or headaches. This may be caused by anxieties they’re feeling if they become frequent. Once you recognize what they tend to do under stress, you’ll be better able to understand the changes they’re dealing with.

Tip #2 – Routines

It can help to keep routines at home as predictable as possible, use calendars and weekly family meetings to talk about the week ahead and any changes that may occur. Encourage your children, especially younger ones, to talk about their feelings. With older children, allow their thoughts and concerns with upcoming events.

Tip #3 – Downtime

Allow for quiet or down time after school and/or unstructured play to release pent up energy. Kids need time to decompress and reset after school. If you move them too fast into chores or homework, it may backfire. Kids need time to regulate their bodies and emotions. Just like we need to kick back a bit after work, our kids need space from the rigors of the day as well.

Tip #4 – Be a Safe Person

Be a safe person for your children to vent and talk out their frustrations. Try to listen without problem solving for them. Instead, focus on validating their feelings and reminding them that they’re doing a good job managing through difficult times.

Tip #5 – Talk to a Professional

If things seem to be getting worse instead of better over time or your child seems depressed or anxious it may be time to reach out to a mental health professional to get some extra support.

Raising kids during a pandemic hasn’t been easy on anyone. When parents try to push through the tough times or troubleshoot everything on their own – the situation can become very challenging – and draining.

Take care of yourself as a parent or you’ll not be any help to your kids. The best role model you can be is the person who takes care of themselves and then takes care of their kids.

If things are beyond your control, reach out for assistance. Recognizing the need for additional professional help is half the battle won.

Filed Under: Teens/Children

4 Thoughts on Considering Couples Therapy

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There are certainly more than 4 thoughts on considering couples therapy, however, most people recognize the ‘huge’ ones right away as being sexual, emotional or financial infidelity. These are often considered to be ‘the crisis’ that persuade couples to walk through a therapist’s door.

If We Had Only Gone Earlier…

Couples that have gone for counseling often state, ‘if only we had gone earlier – before matters got so bad, it would have simplified so many things.’ The feeling is that the issues may be more nuanced leading up to the crisis point. If this could have been recognized and talked through with some guidance, the relationship may have been strengthened more or even saved.

Ask the Question

One very important question to ask yourselves is, ‘If I could resolve this issue between us, why haven’t I already?’ Most people aren’t taught how a healthy relationship evolves – let alone how to maintain it. So don’t ever feel that it’s shameful needing to ask the experts for some guidance.

There are three sides to every story: her side, his side and the truth. A therapist as an objective third party is an excellent way to work through non-effective communication issues that may have developed over time.

A Therapist will agree that there are more than 4 thoughts on considering couples therapy, but each of these thoughts should be brought to the forefront of any discussion with your partner – or yourself.

If you’re having the same argument over and over again, you know that something is wrong. If you and your partner don’t change something this will most certainly keep happening. By allowing a therapist to listen to you both, you may gain a fresh view on the issue and be able to see things from a different perspective.

Have you Been Looking?

Have you been looking outside of your relationship for someone to talk to or even more – Considering Couples Therapy may save you huge heartache. This often happens if one partner is feeling lonely or not heard. It may be much smaller issues that lead to this crisis situation. Hence, therapy support earlier rather than later allows the process of healing to be much smoother.

Has There Been a Change?

Another huge stressor might be if there’s been a major transition in your lives. This could be anything from a cross-country move, a new job or new baby. Anything that disrupts the status quo can be challenging to adapt to. This is an excellent time to be considering couples therapy and speak to someone about the challenges that you’re facing and gain insight on each other’s feelings.

People change over time and not always in the same direction. Many things that you’ve always agreed on in the past might not be that way any longer. Things that you’ve never felt were that important may be more so now. Using a therapist is a wonderful way of gaining perspective and understanding of each other’s goals and values. The therapist will give both of you honest feedback and clear insight into how you could move forward as a couple.

Filed Under: Couples/Marriage

How To Help Your Child Who Is Being Bullied

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Watching your child endure bullying and harassment from their peers is a difficult and painful experience for most parents. We want our children to be happy and healthy, and when they hurt, we hurt.

Whether they’re at school or just looking at Snapchat on their phones, it can be virtually impossible to try and intervene or attempt to stop bullying behavior. Although you can take steps to protect your children as much as possible by contacting other parents or appropriate school staff, you can’t always be at your child’s side to protect them. One thing you can do, however, is empower them to handle difficult situations when you’re not around.

Listen

It’s important to let your child talk, and not just to hear them talk, but to listen, pay attention, and ask questions. Make sure to set aside a quiet time for you and your child to calmly talk about the events of the day. Put out their favorite snack sit down and focus on them to find out how their day went. Be silent at times to encourage your child to be more forthcoming. Be patient, as your child may be ashamed, afraid, or embarrassed to talk to you about their experience being bullied. Reassure them that this is a safe place for them to share.

Talk

Ask open-ended questions to encourage your child to talk about their day. “What happened on the bus ride home today?” or “What did you do at recess?” “What friend did you sit with at lunch” “What was the best/worst part of your day?” Making time daily ( even 5-10minutes) for positive updates and uninterrupted talk allows children to feel more comfortable and more apt to share the harder things when they occur.

Support

Make sure your child knows that it’s not their fault they are being bullied. Let them know that they don’t deserve what’s happened, and that everyone deserves to feel safe and respected. Reassure them that they are not alone. Your child should know that you are always there for them and that bullying should not be tolerated at school or any other activity.

Try to not criticize the way they handled the situation or downplay their experience or emotions as this may discourage them from sharing in the future. Instead work with them on a plan that they can use should this happen again.

Empower

Empower your child by teaching them to look at the color of their friend’s eyes. Looking at their bully in the eye in this same manner will help them look up so they can appear and feel more confident. Help them practice words and phrases that they can use when they feel intimidated that empower them and may deter the bully such as “I wont let you talk to me that way” or “Stop now that’s not okay!” By role playing and practicing these at home in a safe environment they will likely feel more ready and prepared to use them in real life situations.

Bullying is an issue that doesn’t just affect children, it also affects adults. Throughout their lives your child will experience difficult people and situations. By learning at a young age how to best handle conflict, they will have a confidence and skill set that will benefit them for life.

If you or your child require additional help coping with bullying or harassment, you should seek out professional assistance from a licensed, trained clinician.

Call my office today so we can set up an appointment to talk 705-791-9165 your first consult is always free.

Filed Under: General, Parenting, Teens/Children

Parenting Plan: What Is It & What Should Be Included

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Divorce is painful for everyone involved. If you’re a parent going through a divorce, your biggest worry is probably how the kids will cope and how to make life as easy as possible for them after the divorce. Ending your marriage does not mean you stop parenting your kids. However, things are definitely going to change, which means you and your ex need to have a solid parenting plan.

What is a parenting plan?

A parenting plan is a document containing the agreements you’ve made with your ex concerning how you plan to raise your children.

Is a parenting plan necessary?

Making a parenting plan might feel strange, but it is absolutely necessary. A lot of changes happen during and after a divorce. Without a plan, these changes will be really difficult to deal with.

A parenting plan helps you anticipate important decisions you must make about your child(ren)’s lives. Here are some issues you must address in your parenting plan.

1. Living schedule- Detailing when and for how long each parent has the kid(s) helps to establish a routine for everyone. It’s also useful for planning activities. Having a detailed living schedule helps in cases of emergency. Including a holiday schedule will help you avoid fights over who gets to keep the kid(s) during special holidays or occasions.

2. Education- What schools will the child(ren) attend? Who attends school meetings? How are educational costs split? There are a lot of questions to answer and ensure the kid(s) education runs smoothly.

3. Medical issues- Determining how to handle medical decisions early on, will save you a lot of stress. Decide things like, whose consent is needed, how payment is made, the doctors they see, what happens in an emergency, ahead of time. This would help to reduce tension when there’s a crisis.

4. New relationships- Decide how to prepare your child(ren) if one parent starts seeing another person. Explore things like communication with the other parent, and how to communicate this change with the child(ren).

5. Travel- What happens when one parent travels with the child(ren)? How often are they supposed to communicate with the other parent? How long can they travel for? Is the other parent’s consent necessary? These are important questions to answer.

Who can help you make a parenting plan?

Creating the perfect parenting plan that takes the unique needs of your children into control, and meets your family’s needs as well is not an easy task. Working with a professional with the expertise to help you make the best decisions is essential.

This is where the child specialist comes in.

A child specialist is a mental health professional with great experience working with kids and families going through the divorce process. The child specialist provides the following services:

– Helps you understand the specific needs of your child(ren) based on their age and current scientific research.
– Helps your child(ren) state their wishes, and brings their perspective into the plan.
– Helps you develop essential co-parenting skills that reduce conflict.
– Helps you create a solid parenting plan.
– Helps your communicate your divorce to your child(ren) effectively.

If you require the services of a child specialist, I am available. Please contact me to book a session.

Filed Under: Family Therapy, Parenting

How to Lovingly Parent a Depressed Child

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Being a parent is the hardest job on the planet. But being a parent of a child with a mental illness can feel unbearable at times.

All parents want to do what’s right for their kids, but when your child is sick, either physically or mentally, the desire to “get it right” becomes even more intense.

If you are the parent of a child with depression, know there’s isn’t one “right way” to parent them. Having said that, here are some ways you can support and show you love your child on their way back toward the light.

Accept Your New Reality

For many parents, accepting that your child has a mental illness is extremely difficult. It is natural to want to deny the truth and pretend that everything is the way it was before the diagnosis. But invalidating reality will only make your child feel shame. Accepting the truth will help your family take the necessary steps to getting the right help.

Communicate Openly

Your child needs you now more than ever. They need to feel that they can talk to you when their world feels dark. Sit your child down and tell them they can come to you at any time for any reason. Let them know you could never be angry at them for how they feel. When they are ready to talk, listen closely and with an open mind and heart.

Help Their Body

It’s a fact that an unhealthy body effects the mind, especially with a mental illness in play. Help your child’s recovery by encouraging healthy eating habits. Limit sugar, bad fats, and caffeine intake. Make sure they get plenty of exercise. Invite them to go for a hike or bike ride with you. And finally, help them get enough sleep each night by setting firm bed times.

Talk to Them About Suicide

It’s a conversation no parent ever imagines they’ll have to have. But for the parent of a depressed child, the risk of suicide is a sad reality. Start the conversation with your child. Ask if they’ve ever thought about suicide. Asking these questions in an objective way allows your child to speak candidly with you and share their true thoughts and feelings with you.

And understand that there is no danger of a person planting a thought of suicide in someone else’s mind if it’s not already there.

Get Help

Though you can be a big support in your child’s life, you’ll need the help and guidance of a trained mental health therapist. Talk to your pediatrician for a referral. You can also get a referral from local support groups and friends and family.

If you or a loved one has a child suffering with depression, you are not alone. Please contact me to discuss treatment options.

Filed Under: Depression, Parenting

Isn’t My Child Too Young for Therapy? (Myth vs. Reality)

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As a parent, you want to do everything you can to protect your child from harm and make sure they grow up healthy and happy. You make sure they wear a bike helmet and knee pads, but if they do take a tumble and break an arm, you immediately seek medical attention.

Some “boo-boos” aren’t as noticeable as a broken bone, but these emotional wounds hurt just as bad. If left untreated, these emotional injuries can result in further problems as your child grows. This is where therapy comes in.

“But isn’t my child too young for therapy?” you might be wondering. In my practice, I have seen children as young as three years of age. Trauma and behavioral issues don’t have an age restriction, they can affect a child at any age.

Signs Your Child May Need Therapy

Instead of focusing on the age of the child, it’s better to address the particular problems he or she may be having. As the parent, you know your child best. While a friend or family doctor may tell you your child is just “going through a stage,” you may recognize that something seems… off or not-right. Trust your instincts.

With this in mind, here are some signs that may indicate a problem that may require specialized attention. Your child:

  • Is having trouble at school (grades, bullying others, talking back to teachers…)
  • Is attempting to injure themselves
  • Avoids family functions and ignores friends
  • Experiences frequent mood swings and/or extreme emotions (anxiety, angry outbursts)
  • Has difficulty concentrating
  • Had difficulty sleeping
  • Is eating far more or far less than before

This is by no means an exhaustive list but gives an indication of the kinds of behavior that may need addressing.

It is also important to mention that other things can be ruled out before you decide to give therapy a try. For instance, has your child had a full medical work-up recently? Her difficulties at school could be caused by an emotional disturbance, OR they could be caused by poor eyesight. His insomnia could be caused by anxiety, OR it could be the result of a biological issue that is causing him pain. Are you and your partner arguing more? Is your child’s behavior a natural response to an emotional situation at home?

Talk to Your Child About Therapy

While you may be worried your child is too young for therapy, your child may quite like the idea of talking to ‘someone special’ about how they feel. And, at the end of the day, your child is taking cues from you on how to feel about things. If you feel therapy has a certain stigma, your child will feel shame and not want to explore this option. But if you see therapy as beneficial, chances are your child will as well and be open to trying it.

Once you decide to explore treatment options, look for a therapist who specializes in helping very young children. They will most likely put an emphasis on art and play therapy, allowing your child to express themselves in a way that is natural for them.

Be sure to ask as many questions as necessary to select a therapist you feel comfortable with, and speak openly with your child about treatment so they can know what to expect.

If you believe your child may benefit from therapy and would like to speak about treatment options, please get in touch. I would be more than happy to see how I may help.

Filed Under: Teens/Children

Parenting An Angry Teen

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Raising a teenager can be one of the most challenging experiences a parent will go through. Teenagers are in an awkward stage, dealing with hormonal changes that are out of their control and a developing brain. They’re awakening to new realizations about themselves and the world around them.

Teenage rebellion is a natural phase, however, handling it as a parent is anything but natural. If you’re struggling with raising an angry teen, here are some strategies that can help.

Keep Your Cool

It may be difficult to keep your cool when your teen is yelling at you, but as the adult, it’s important that you maintain control. Refrain from yelling, cursing, or name-calling your teen. Verbal abuse will only escalate the argument and will have a long-term impact on your child and your relationship. If your child is being verbally abusive, apply consequences to their behavior and speak in a calm, matter-of-fact tone.

Accountability, Not Control

Rather than trying to control your teen and their behavior, make them accountable. Set clear boundaries, and establish rules and consequences.

Listen

It can be difficult to listen when your child is yelling or angry. Your initial reaction may be to defend yourself or criticize. Rather than offering advice or judgment, actively listen to your teen. Be silent as they express themselves, and ask questions to better understand how they’re feeling. You can also calmly express that it’s difficult to listen to them when they’re angry and yelling. By genuinely trying to listen and understand them, you can teach them how to control their emotions and express themselves calmly.

Give Them Space

When your teen is angry and wants to storm off, let them go instead of following them and trying to continue or resolve the argument. It’s healthy for both of you to give each other space and time to cool off so you can revisit the discussion when you’re both feeling calmer.

Pick Your Battles

Your teen is going through a difficult phase, and needs empathy. Remember back to the times when you were a teen to help you empathize. There will be times when your teen is making a bigger deal of something than it needs to be, and as the adult it’s your job to know when to stand your ground, and when to let things go. Talk with your spouse to set boundaries and determine priorities of issues that can be compromised, and issues that are non-negotiable.

If you’re having difficulty with your angry teenager and want some help and guidance, call my office today so we can set up an appointment to talk.

Filed Under: Family Therapy

It’s Okay to Take a Break! Tips for New Moms on Asking for Help

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As a new mother, you’ve probably noticed that taking care of yourself and a new baby at the same time is next to impossible. How are you supposed to make sure you are getting what you need to thrive when you are on call 24/7, responsible for keeping a new human being alive and happy?

It’s no wonder that so many new moms feel emotional and completely overwhelmed. You know you need a break, but then you feel guilty about even needing one.

Relax.

It’s very okay to ask for help. And here are some ways you can do it:

Be Realistic

Yes, you’re a mother now, but you are still an individual that has her own needs. Recognize that being a great mother has nothing to do with being a superhero. Never feel you have to go it alone. Be realistic and understand that everyone needs help now and then.

Be Honest

Stop trying to be the greatest mother who has ever lived and do everything by yourself. When a family member or friend asks how you’re doing, be honest with them. Let your loved ones know you are feeling exhausted and stressed and could use some help.

Have someone watch your baby for an hour so you can get out of the house. Or have them watch the baby so you can simply clean the house.

You may also want to keep a list of household tasks posted somewhere, such as laundry, washing dishes, cleaning bathrooms, and have your loved one pick something from the list to take off your plate.

Be Flexible

When asking others for help, make it known that you appreciate others are busy and you would be happy to get their help whenever works for them. If this means the recycling doesn’t get packed up and taken to the center until Wednesday afternoon, that’s fine. If you’re the one asking for help, you’ll have to be a bit flexible with WHEN you receive it.

Be Safe

If you are suffering from postpartum symptoms it is incredibly important that you ask for help. Lingering feelings of sadness, depression, anxiety, fatigue, and hopelessness need to be addressed.

If you or a loved is suffering from postpartum depression and would like to explore treatment options, please be in touch with me. I would be more than happy to discuss how I may be able to help.

Filed Under: New Mother

How to Talk to a Loved One About Their Anger

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Anger is a normal emotion; one that everyone experiences from time to time, and one that’s healthy when expressed appropriately. However, for some people, anger is an emotion they express far too frequently, and in harmful and hurtful ways. Their anger gets out of control, and begins to seriously affect their life negatively.

If you have a loved one whose constant outbursts of anger can make them unpleasant to be around, you may be wondering what, if anything, you can do. There are ways you can encourage your loved one to get help. The first thing you need to do is determine how serious their anger issue is.

Recognizing a Serious Anger Issue

While only a trained professional is able to make a diagnosis of an anger disorder, as the loved one of the person with anger problems, there are signs and symptoms you should be able to recognize. If you or others tend to avoid this person because of their angry outbursts, that is one sign of a serious anger issue. You may also be aware of other problems your loved one may be having such as trouble with the law, an inability to maintain steady employment, and broken relationships. If you believe your loved one may have a serious problem with anger, then your next step is to talk to them about getting some help.

Talking to Your Loved One About Their Anger

It will come as no surprise that you can expect the conversation to be tense and difficult. However, if you care about your loved one, care about their quality of life and you want to continue to spend time with them, it’s important to have this discussion.

First, plan out what you’re going to say. Be sure to rely heavily on using “I” statements to avoid them feeling defensive. For example, “it scares me when you yell” instead of “you’re always yelling about everything.”

Next, choose a good, positive time to talk about the issue. Make sure you and your loved one are as comfortable as possible. Be sure to remain calm when speaking to them, and don’t get angry yourself no matter how much they may try to provoke you to anger. Make what you have to say brief but succinct, and finish the discussion by offering to take them to an anger management group or workshop, or to help them find someone to talk to.

Ultimately it’s up to your loved one to seek help, or to continue with their path of self-destructive behavior. If your loved one gets angry and refuses to discuss the issue or seek help, then it’s up to you to create and enforce your own healthy boundaries of what you are and are not willing to tolerate. Once you set your boundaries, be sure to stick to them.

Are you or partner struggling with anger, and need help managing it? A licensed mental health professional can help. Call my office today and let’s schedule a time to talk.

Filed Under: Anger, Family Therapy